Great news. You won’t have to do that crummy English teaching job much longer. They’ve finally opened a branch of a popular fast food restaurant in your hometown and they are recruiting NOW. .

Things are looking up. The Sun has got his hat on and you feel like reaching for the stars. At work, cheer up your more insignificant employees by giving them the names of lesser known Armenian kings of the 13th century.

Mars will be ruling you this week. So try to walk differently, hold long conversations with vending machines, and address the people around you as ‘Earthlings’ in an unnatural staccato voice.

Don’t tell the other Scorpios, but Chester’s Donut will win the 3:45 steeplechase at Doncaster at odds of 23 to 1. Also try not to answer your phone. It’s just someone trying to sell you hair-growth products.

The people around you just get weirder and weirder, don’t they? Your tolerant nature allows you to view them as eccentrics, but start packing a stun gun — that oddball talking to the vending machine is dangerously unhinged.

Saturn in conjunction with the hole in the ozone layer means the government will be taking a renewed interest in something you said when you were drunk. Oh yeh, and your house will catch fire.

The man from the debt recovery agency will call again. Someone told him you had a liver that was still working. There’s only one thing to do. Ring your best Scorpio or Capricorn friend

After your recent romantic success, this time it’s Lady Luck’s turn to smile on you, as you launch your own internet company. Expect to be an e-millionaire by this time tomorrow. Don’t answer the phone, it’s not for you.

By jove, your hard work finally pays off. Thanks to the benevolent influence of Jupiter, the king of the planets, you won’t have to lift a finger anymore. Money, fame and beautiful chicks will just come rolling in. Lie back and enjoy.

Even though you get five stars for luck, you only get one star each for love and money. So I guess you’re going to have a great time without sex or money. This can mean only one
thing — somebody will give you a very nice jigsaw puzzle.

Trouble with your Pisces partner? Get your revenge by holding a seance with your partner’s ex-spouse during dinner. At work your boss will forget your name again and start calling you Zarddicas the 2nd.

With Mercury in the house of Aquarius and Klingons around Uranus, it’s time to relive old memories. Think of an old Star Trek episode, or, alternatively, a former friend or lover. You will become irresistable to mice.