I predict you will read this horrorscope! There, how's that for accuracy? And some cynics believe that we astrologers just sit around dropping acid, making stuff up. I only wish that were true. This week, you will see little green parachutes coming out of your follicles. Oh yeh, happy birthday if it's not too late.

The scales are not balanced this month. Negative energy from the 13th dimension will continue to disrupt your tee shot. Your only help is to join the Omega people. They are the only ones who love you. They are waiting to hear from you this month, cunningly disguised as elevator girls.

Your animal is the mighty bull, so it is no wonder that you are stubborn and never take advice from anybody. Indeed, I don't even know why I'm bothering to warn you about the psychopath who's spying on you with a telescope from the opposite apartment building. He thinks you're an evil Alpha person and is planning to kill you.

That stroppy little Virgo you took pity on and hired six months ago is getting too big for her boots. Naturally you want to tell her where to get off, but be careful. She knows everything about the gerbil, and even has a copy of the Vaseline invoice. The shareholders would not like it.

You get five stars for love this month, which is really rather surprising considering how ugly you are. Someone good-looking with teeth a lot nicer than yours will take a shine to you. This can only mean one thing: you're going to meet someone in a very dark place, possibly a coal mine. Have fun while it lasts.

Trouble with your Leo partner? Teach them a lesson by putting a dead insect in their breakfast cereal and a live snake in the shower. Also watch out for the evil Alpha people. They are everywhere! One of them has even moved into the apartment across from yours and is planning mischief. Defeat his evil schemes by surveillance, preferably with a powerful telescope.

Mercury's influence helped you evade the debt collector once again and now you and your remaining organs are happy in your new life as an AET in deepest darkest Gunma. Nobody knows who you are or even understands a word you're saying, so things are definitely looking up.

Remember when I said you would be going up in the world? Well I was right, wasn't I? Congratulations on your new job as an elevator girl. But beware of someone asking you about the Omega people. It's an intelligence test by your new employer. The correct response is to say: "Welcome - the Omega have been waiting for you."

Life just keeps on getting better and better, doesn't it? No wonder Leo's the 'King of the Jungle.' After last month's good luck, this month you're set to solve the riddle of the Universe. So don't forget to carry pen and paper around at all times. On the negative side, you'll get a dead cockroach in your cereal.

With Saturn opposing Jupiter, it's been a tough three months, but the light is at the end of the tunnel. Soon you will be able to channel your positive energy into a number of interesting projects. But first you have to finish that infuriating 'Find Wally' jigsaw puzzle some idiot gave you last month.

After your problems at work, now is the perfect time to embark on a new career. Even if you don't have something lined up, the conjunction of Mars, Jupiter, and a missing 1970s NASA satellite with the likeness of Jimmy Carter etched on the fuselage means that you can walk into any job you damn well like. It's time to tell your boss where to stuff it.

What goes around comes around. This is especially true of the planets. Just when you think you've got your life sorted out, around comes another great big, oversized chunk of rock and gas, hurtling through your zodiacal house, messing up your life again. The only thing to do is what they did in Armageddon. Blow them all up. Kaboom!