I’m sorry to tell you this, but your parents lied to you about your birthday. That’s why your horrorscope never seems to fit. They won’t admit it, but they found you in a supermarket and decided to adopt you. If you want them to admit the truth ask them what happened to little Baby Brian, but watch out, they may try to silence you for good. .

Hey, you’re a Scorpio! Stop reading this. It's strictly for Libras. Beat it! Get back to your own side of the fence...Okay, I think that nosy Scorpio’s gone, so I can tell you the good news: Your mean old uncle will kick the bucket, so now's time to take out that insurance policy.

Nostalgia is in the air as you remember the golden years of your youth. It's high time you looked up an old Pisces school friend, but, be warned, he isn't the same chirpy rascal you remember. He seems distracted by something. Cheer him up by talking to yourself in several different voices.

The viagra isn't working, is it? I have a better idea. Sacrifice a virgin to the Evil Monarch of the Underworld. You'll thank me later.
On the financial front, the money in your bank account will earn an amazing 0.0375% interest. Don't spend it all at once.

Your analytical abilities mark you for a job connected to science. Unfortunately you're still working as a bicycle parking attendant. This is because you didn't do your homework or pay enough attention to your horrorscope. Expect junk mail.

I told you to defeat the schemes of the evil Alpha people by keeping them under surveillance. I didn't tell you to blow up the whole apartment building! Never mind, it's all water under the bridge now as Venus the planet of love spices up your love life.

Too bad they found out about the photocopied University degree. All that hard work coloring it in by hand too. Who cares? You didn’t even like Gunma and the AET job was getting you down. Time for a fresh start. Your propensity toward independence and self-assertive action marks you for a position in catch sales.

Trouble with your Aquarius partner? Get your own back by using their credit card to invest in day trading on the internet. Remember only to buy shares in companies run by convicted criminals, ex-football managers, or beauty contestant winners.

Your success has made you enemies. Deflect their animosity by getting a bad haircut and dribbling saliva. On the romance front, a beautiful, sexy lady will ask you if you are following her. The cool response is to stand absolutely still and say nothing.

Expect an unusual windfall as shares you didn't even know you had soar through the roof. This will give you the funds you need to make your dream of becoming a full-time dental assistant come true. Cheer up your partner by giving them a pet scorpion.

A complete stranger will approach you in the street and ask you if you want to be a model. Your typical gullibility will put your life in danger.
This person is only interested in your liver. You will find an old pair of cufflinks. Go on a diet and change your underwear at least twice a day.

An old Taurus friend will try to contact you, but be warned. this is just a ruse by the evil Alpha people. They have taken over his body, hollowed it out, and are living inside the empty shell. Pretend to go along, then when you get to the station, shove him in front of the first train.