Pluto enters the house of Pokemon from the Ultraman quadrant conferring on you remarkable powers of invisibility. Unfortunately, instead of using this unique opportunity to help the downtrodden and oppressed, you plan to ride around on the Yamanote Line picking your nose to your heart’s content.

The ideal job for Libras is wedding cake decoration. Unfortunately until the divorce rate gets a lot higher, you’ll have to stick with road construction and plastic surgery. All days beginning with ‘X’ will prove fortuitous while those ending in ‘Y’ will bring nothing but bad luck.

The evil Alpha people have done it again! Remember that cute girl in the denim jacket and platforms you gave your telephone number to who promised to call you? They have abducted her and are now using her as a paper clip dispenser at their Kasumigaseki headquarters.

Your mother will write to you complaining about your father’s increasingly obscure hobbies. Just now he’s working on a scale model replica of the Titanic made from toe nail clippings with an iceberg made from melted dental floss. This means he misses you.

Your nature as everyone so rightly reminds you is dual. There are two sides to every coin and your other side is your evil twin who seems to dog your every step. When you do something bad it’s not really your fault, so stop feeling guilty. It’s your evil twin who is is pulling the strings.

A person who sold you a bar of soap in a previous life will sell you a tin of shoe polish in this one. Also towards the end of the week your ex-wife from a former life will land on your forearm and start drinking your blood. Get your revenge by catching her and pulling her legs and wings off one by one.

Where you are now is the result of everything you have ever done in your past. Your destiny is completely in your own hands. This week you will get hit by lightning, win a lottery, get hit by a meteorite, and meet someone through a small ad.

Humphrey Bogart was a Capricorn exhibiting the mastery and self control characteristic of your star sign in a number of challenging movie roles from wise-talking tough guy to a tough-walking wise guy. Unfortunately the best you can manage is to stop sniffing bicycle seats in mixed company.

Mick Jagger is a typical example of a Leo, exhibiting the sheer egoism and desire for recognition characteristic of your sign. You’ll stop at nothing to hog the limelight. This is why you ended up at an English conversation school. People listen to you now and laugh when you laugh.

It’s getting hotter these days as the Sun starts to exert its malevolent influence on your life. Stay in the shade and drink lots of Pocari Sweat because it’ll look really stupid if you walk around with a can of Aquarius, a bit like a Cancerian having cancer or a Virgo drinking cherry cola.

A handsome if slightly balding Scorpio enters your lovelife. He says he's only interested in your heart, but watch out. He belongs to a strange cult that worships panty vending machines. He only wants your heart to feed to his Dark Master. Keep your relationship going through e-mail.

It’s well known that your favorite sexual position is ‘69’ and you have a special affinity for fish, but don’t start thinking you’re a special individual. Approximately 8.333% of the population have remarkably similar tastes.