The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that the more accurate a horrorscope is about one aspect of your life the less accurate it is about the others. For example if my predictions about your lovelife prove inaccurate, then you can safely take my financial advice. Now is the ideal time to invest all your savings in cat toys. You will get off with an elevator girl, but be quick.

Your Aquarius partner deeply regrets the little tiff with your mother at your Uncle Sylvester’s funeral, especially the incident with the eyelids, elastic bands and matchsticks. It’s time to make amends and heal the rift. Arrange a nice little family get together and make sure they get the chance to sit right next to each other.

Among successful Taureans worldwide, perhaps the most famous is Saddam Hussein, who displays the steady persistence and determination to get ahead that characterizes your star sign. In your case too your hard efforts seem to be paying off as they finally give you the key to the executive washroom. Unfortunately, they’ve also given you the mop.

Scorpio is well-known as the sexiest star sign. Unfortunately not all Scorpios live up to this exciting image, like Bill Gates for example, who would rather spend the rest of his life with computer geeks making even more money than spending the billions he already has on hot sexy babes attracted by his mega-bucks. Luckily, you’re not like that.

The arrival of weird, silver, cigar-shaped objects in your fifth house means that beings from a two dimensional universe are plotting to abduct you and take you to their flat world. The only way to escape is to download yourself into your computer and hide there. Expect junk e-mail.

A small black hole will pass through your brain on Tuesday. Less than a millimeter in dimater this incredibly dense ball of matter will cause time to reverse momentarily making you remember the future. It therefore won’t be necessary to read your horrorscope this month, but you know this already.

Tom Hanks is a Cancerian. This means that if you haven’t already seen the Green Mile, you must go NOW. It is no concidence that the Cancerian colors are silver and &Mac176; hey get this &Mac176; Green! Also the Cancerian keyword is ‘Security’ and one of the best jobs for you sensitive, motherly guys is prison warden. This proves that Hollywood uses horrorscopes for casting.

The erratic elliptal orbit of Pluto continues to bring disruption into your house of oral hygiene. It’s no wonder you can’t find the toothpaste and now the mouthwash has gone missing. You can continue kissing people but don’t expect to see them again.

You are famous for your sense of adventure. You’ll try anything once but please reconsider your plan to kidnap Morning Musume and ask for Norika Fujiwara in return. Your cell mate is planning to tell the warden in order to increase his toilet paper ration.

You’ve tried everything to find your perfect partner, even the highly unreliable method of blood type matching. Nothing works! No wonder! The malevolent influence of Saturn in the house of mild interst means that even in bars with dim lighting people don’t approach you. It’s also because your false teeth are in the wrong way.

Curvature in the fabric of space-time means that good luck vibes emanating from the Seventh dimension meant for you will miss you by a few centimeters. Overcome these negative effects by wearing a satellite dish on your head. July is a bad month for hi-jacking buses. Try bicycles instead.